THE QUESTION

"So, what's been going on?"
"Have you been enjoying the weather?"
"Read any good books lately?"

... These are all questions of small talk. Harmless, shallow questions that produce harmless shallow answers. That's what small talk should be. But somehow we've gotten terribly off track and small talk has overstepped the bounds of appropriateness. I'm talking about THE QUESTION. What is THE QUESTION? Well, it's always changing, it's always uncomfortable and it's always coming from someone's mouth that you hardly know. Let me explain...

I remember back in my high school days I dreaded making small talk with my parent's friends because THE QUESTION that inevitably ALWAYS came up in conversation with adults was "So, have you thought about where you will go to college?"

I hated this question. Making the big decision of where to attend college was stressful and being a natural procrastinator, I put it off as long as possible. So THE QUESTION irked me beyond belief because it reminded that I could not remain in a state of indecision forever and it also reeked of adulthood. In other words, I was having to make my first big decision in life ever. But mostly THE QUESTION bugged me because this HUGE MAJOR DECISION had become the stuff of small talk. How could something so serious and scary be... small talk? Why couldn't we just talk about the weather?

Well, inevitably I chose a college and attended. THE QUESTION obviously ended too... or so I thought. I quickly became aware that THE QUESTION still came up, only this time it had morphed. I was now being asked "So, have you thought about what you will major in?"

"Well here we go again!" I thought as I stood at a Christmas party my freshman year of college, surrounded by people my parent's age. My peers rarely asked THE QUESTION. I suppose they were in the same boat as me and didn't want to talk about it either. So there I was again, facing the same HUGE ADULT LIFE DECISION in small talk with people I hardly knew. And this went on until my junior year when I finally had a major. But did THE QUESTION stop there? No, no, it morphed again.

"So do you have a job lined up?"

Oh boy. THE QUESTION just seemed to get uglier and uglier. This became the new question for the last couple of years of college. When I graduated and found a job, THE QUESTION changed to "What do you do?" which is much more appropriate for small talk because you just tell them what you do. There is no looming decision to be made, no job to find. Finally, I could relax in small talk. But "What do you do?" has an evil second part to it:

"Are you dating anyone?"

Talk about getting personal. Oh brother. What's worse was that this was now THE QUESTION from everyone, not just my parent's friends. And what's even worse was that I found myself asking high school students where they planned to go to college. I guess I was an official adult. Making uncomfortable small talk with kids.

So, of course, THE QUESTION became "Do you think it's serious?" when I answered yes to dating someone. Great. Now they wanted me to tell them personal details about my dating relationships. How imposing! This is when I learned my first 'adult' answer; "Maybe!" (with a smile and a turn that indicates the conversation is OVER.)

What is it with people prying? I just don't get it. Sure, I've pried before. But those days are over. ESPECIALLY since THE QUESTION has become ultra personal "When are you having another baby?"

How did THE QUESTION go from questions about my love life to "When are you having another baby?" Here's how - I got engaged. For a brief period THE QUESTION is actually not so bad - "When/where are you getting married? Where are you going for your honeymoon?". I could handle THE QUESTION then. But the very day I got married THE QUESTION morphed yet again while I was mingling at my wedding reception. This was the real biggie:

"So, when are you having kids?"

This was the kind of question that makes one choke on their food. Suddenly random acquaintances want in on some very private and personal marital decisions. I remember finally getting up the nerve to say "Excuse me?" In a 'oh no you di-int just ask me that' sort of way. Would you also like to know how many bowel movements I have in a day? You might as well ask because I WOULD RATHER TELL YOU THE ANSWER TO THAT!

Sheesh. What is with people? I mean, REALLY!

So after I had my little girl, (and I mean the DAY after I had her) THE QUESTION became "So when are you having another?" While I totally understand the curiosity behind the questions, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL how this is a commonplace question to ask in small talk conversations with acquaintances. Now don't get me wrong, good friends can ask these things to each other and that's completely different. But I'm talking about the kind of small talk you have at parties or baby showers. WHEN DID MY PERSONAL BUSINESS BECOME THE STUFF OF SMALL TALK? And of course I know it's not just about me. It's asked to all of us. And you know what? I've even asked some of these questions myself. It just becomes "what you talk about".

But I have about HAD IT with the current question. It's as if I'm committing a white-middle-class-American sin by not having a second child two years after my first. Everyone wants to know when my next baby is coming. I mean, is life really that boring? Is there REALLY nothing else to talk about? Even strangers in grocery stores have commented "It's about time you had another, isn't it?". Although I maintain composure and smile it off, inside I'm angry. And it's not just because I'm annoyed.

I had a miscarriage in December. It was terrible. Although I'm not brought to tears when asked THE QUESTION, it does make the current question a tad more uncomfortable. This is the problem with THE QUESTION. It is far too personal. And I have resolved to stop asking it. THE QUESTION can be a painful reminder of something like infertility or job loss or broken relationships or any number of the unfortunate tragedies we all endure in life. So, because of my annoyance with THE QUESTION and my recent experience of pain involved with THE QUESTION, I have resolved to keep small talk SMALL. So if I bump into you at the store and ask if you have noticed the cloud formations outside, it's my way of being polite and avoiding THE QUESTION.

By the way, what does the question become when you are past childbearing age? Perhaps it goes in this order:

"SO, where is your child going to pre-school - elementary school - middle school - high school - college?"

"So, when are you going to be a grandparent?"

"So, when do you plan to retire?"

Maybe the question finally does end with "how many bowel movements do you have in a day?" I've heard that's what old people talk about. Maybe it's a valid question after all. Or they save the best question for last...

What's THE QUESTION people are asking you?